That first message is crucial—it's your chance to make a memorable impression and start a conversation that could lead to a meaningful connection. But let's be honest: "Hey" and "What's up?" aren't going to cut it. In this guide, we'll explore proven strategies for writing first messages that get replies.
Why Most First Messages Fail
Generic openers get generic responses—or no response at all. When you send something like "Hey" or "Hi there," you're not showing any effort or genuine interest. The other person receives dozens of similar messages and yours blends into the background. Stand out by being specific, thoughtful, and authentic.
Do Your Homework First
Before typing, take 30 seconds to review their profile. Notice:
- Their stated interests or hobbies
- Photos that reveal activities or locations
- Something unique in their bio (a quirky fact, favorite movie, travel experience)
- Any conversation starters they've explicitly mentioned
Using information from their profile shows you actually paid attention and aren't just mass-messaging everyone.
Proven First Message Formulas
1. The Observational Opener
Reference something specific from their profile:
"I see you're into rock climbing! That's impressive. What's the most challenging route you've completed?"
This approach demonstrates genuine interest and gives them an easy, personal topic to respond to.
2. The Playful Question
Ask a fun, slightly quirky question that sparks imagination:
"If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be and why?"
This type of question is more engaging than "How are you?" and reveals something about their personality.
3. The Shared Experience
Identify common ground:
"I noticed you're also from Atlanta! What's your favorite thing about the city?"
Shared contexts create instant rapport and make the conversation feel more natural.
4. The Humor Approach
Light, friendly humor can break the ice effectively:
"Okay, I'll be honest—I spent way too long trying to come up with a clever opening line. So, hi! How's your day going?"
Self-deprecating humor shows confidence and disarms tension.
What to Avoid
- Physical compliments: "You're so beautiful/hot" comes across as shallow and makes the conversation about appearance rather than connection.
- Sexual or suggestive comments: Never lead with innuendo—it's disrespectful and will likely get you reported.
- Generic pickup lines: They feel impersonal and insincere.
- One-word messages: "Hey" or "Hi" put all the work on the other person to continue the conversation.
- Negging or backhanded compliments: "You're actually pretty funny for a [insert category]" is insulting, not charming.
Follow-Up Strategies
If they respond, great! Now keep the momentum going:
- Respond within a reasonable timeframe (hours, not days)
- Build on what they said—reference their answers in your replies
- Ask follow-up questions that show you're listening
- Share about yourself too—conversations are a two-way street
- Know when to suggest moving to video chat (typically after establishing rapport over several messages)
When They Don't Respond
Not every message gets a reply—and that's okay. Possible reasons include:
- They're not active on the platform
- They're overwhelmed with messages
- They're not interested (and that's fine—rejection is part of the process)
If you don't get a response after 2-3 days, it's okay to move on. Don't send follow-up "???" messages—just let it go. The right connection will be more receptive.
The Bottom Line
The perfect first message isn't about being clever or smooth—it's about being genuine and showing interest in the other person as an individual. Take a moment to look at their profile, find something that genuinely interests you, and start a conversation about that. Authenticity always wins.